Thursday, January 03, 2008
hmmm
I got up this morning, and I was confronted with my cat. She was eating the plant on the windowsill. It was gross, well, not gross, but quite interesting, I'll tell ya that. You know your mother has gone crazy when she asks the cats if they are sharing the tuna juice she gave them. I laughed. I'm very cold, but I can't find my slippers. My cat is blocking the heat, she's sitting directly on top of the heater. The amaryllis has a new bud shooting up. I found a yo-yo. Sometimes, I am convinced God is crazy. Camp is amazing. We sang around the fire. With people I love. I thought about things and I cried. I want to bake cookies. It cheers me. And right now, no one is awake to steal my batter. I found my slippers and my sweater, but I'm still cold. The puzzle I tried to do yesterday was much too hard, so I did a violin instead. It was easier. Our computer desk is horrendously messy, but I like it. Why is it that when people ask how I'm doing, I can answer that I'm good and they'll believe me, but when I'm thinking, alone or in a group, and I'm lost in my thoughts, they can sense something is up? And, why can't I just say something is, even though I don't know what it is sometimes. Being introverted sucks. A lot. But, I still like it. I have a wierd thought process. I need to get my glasses. I can't see.
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2 comments:
It's like the saying where you can feel alone even though you're in a room full of people. The worst is when you feel the need for a hug, but no one realizes how much you need it and you're scared to ask for one. I definately had that need at camp this past week. Just thinking about things suddenly makes you stop and refocus, sort of taking the levity and the humour out of the moment, even though everyone around you is still laughing loudly. You want someone to notice, but at the same time, you don't. And then you get the whole girlish aspect when you just want to cry.
Being introverted definately sucks, but I would never want to change that about the way I am.
Yes, it is. You're there, but you don't feel their presence.
I had that feeling a few times this week at camp too. It's like you really want someone to notice that you're sad/frustrated, but you don't want them to because you don't want to explain or you don't know how to explain. You want all of the comfort and none of the unavoidable prying. Sometimes when people notice, you get embarassed and you want to leave and go somewhere by yourself, but you have an inkling of want for someone to stop you or follow you so they can put their arm around you and comfort you and make you feel wanted, needed, missed, and cared for.
I don't think I would either, even though sometimes I hate it.
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