This is a story I wrote last year, it's kind of sad in some parts, but I thought it was kind of cool, I'd like to hear what you think.
…This is something I have to figure out on my own. I’ve got to decide to trust in all that God says or to remain in my doubts and leave the Lord and the church. It is a choice I have to make and no one can make it for me. I will need the support of my family and friends, especially you, my best friend. I will not ask you for advice, all that which I ask is that you allow me to finalize my belief or unbelief on my own and allow me the time to figure it out. It is a battle within me. My heart and soul long for something to believe in but my mind always has questions and doubts. It is the devil poisoning my thoughts. I pray that God may mend my heart and soul and so forgive my unbelief. I plead also that He may banish the devil from me, that I may once again trust in Him as I used to.
I am very unsure of myself at this time, and so do not fully trust in the Lord. I would like to be able to trust Him as I once did and once again be sure of my salvation. I know that He says many times that He loves me, but I do not know if He is there, if He even exists. How can He love me so if He is not there? I just want people to love me, really love me and not just say it, to actually mean it.
I always know what to say to other people when they are troubled but I can never trust in what I tell other people myself. If someone wants to be comforted I can comfort them. I always find something wrong with what I tell them, something they overlooked or maybe didn’t even care about. But it is those little things that bother me. The small doubts that ceaselessly grow larger and larger until they consume your whole being, your heart, mind and soul. Those uncertainties are the ones that are confusing me and are pulling me away. I want to trust in something but my mind can’t agree with my heart.
When I am with you and our other friends, I act like someone who I have always wanted to be. I am not that person, I act like the true person I am when I am with you only, but no one else knows me truly. But that person is not who I want to be. I want to be happy, joyful, energetic, the person I seem to be when I am with most of our friends. But I am rapidly becoming someone I wish I was never introduced to…
I stopped reading suddenly. It was hard for me to reread the notes my best friend, Sara, had written to me. I often hadn’t known what to think of her. I really do love her still, though she is gone. I often tried to tell her that, but I don’t think she took me seriously. She always used to tell me that I was firm in my faith. I hadn’t exactly been firm, but I had not suffered as she had. I had not been tormented as she had been. She always told me that she felt like a great disappointment. I never knew what to say to her when she spoke about this. She would speak like someone whom no one loved and she seemed so dejected that all I could think to do was give her a hug. Maybe if I had done more none of this would have happened.
As I thought back to the accident, vivid images came to my mind. I saw Sara beside me, trying to keep the car under control. I could see…
A raging blizzard was swirling around us; we attempted to endure it. We were talking about our faith. I felt the car slide and I prayed quietly to the Lord to spare us. But then, I sensed the car sliding far to the right and I felt it jerk harshly forwards. We were smashed from behind into a barrier on the highway. I felt my left leg crack. The air bag blasted me full in the face as I fought for consciousness. The pain was too great, my head was pulsing. I lost everything…
I was awake; I tried to see. Everything was blurry, my memory was in confusion. I tried to remember. It was like someone had erased my mind. I thought hard. Slowly, my memory returned. I tried to sit up but the pain was immense and I shut my eyes. I opened them and realized I was in hospital. This awareness brought back the scenes. They came suddenly and I was overwhelmed. I saw myself praying and Sara’s shocked surprise as the car slipped out of her careful control. It was too much and I broke down in tears. Someone touched me. Someone I hadn’t noticed before. I wanted darkness to come again. The person spoke to me.
“Are you all right?” she asked. I knew it was my mom.
I could not answer and sobbed in reply. She seemed to understand and sat down beside me. She touched my arm gently. I barely noticed her touch.
“I can’t move my leg.” I said, restrained. I glanced at my mother and saw tears running down her face.
“What’s wrong with me?” I demanded.
“Your leg is broken, you will need crutches for a while but you should make a full recovery. Your head was beaten pretty badly, but those wounds are supposed to heal fully. You were lucky.”
I sat there for a minute, thanking the Lord that nothing more serious had happened. But then I remembered…
“Sara! Where is she?”
“She is still unconscious. She was in the worst position. The doctors say that…”
“What? What do they say?” I asked, terrified.
“The doctors say that she has not long to live. She has very serious internal injuries. They do not know if she will wake, and if she does it will be only for a moment…”
“Why did this happen? Oh, Lord, will I be able to teach her your truths before she leaves me? Will I be able to tell her of her magnificent worth to You, and also to me?” I said quietly to myself. Louder, I said, “Mom, could I please be moved next to her bed? I want to be with her when she wakes.”
“But…” she hesitated, “all right. But don’t be startled by her appearance. She has many bruises on her face and neck.”
Immediately I was moved to Sara’s bedside. I could not sleep or eat. I thought only of Sara waking up. I thought she moved a few times but it turned out to be my imagination, but I kept waiting. All I thought about was explaining to her how much God loved her and how I loved her too. How both God and I truly meant it. How I appreciated that she acted like herself when she was with me. How much she meant to me. As I watched her still form, grief overtook me and silent tears tumbled out of my eyes. I shook with noiseless sobs. Out of watery eyes I saw movement from Sara’s bed.
“Sara, I love you so much.” I whispered.
Sara’s head turned toward me, and I saw her beautiful green eyes. How I had longed to see those green eyes!
“Sara, it is not only I that loves you, but God also loves you more than you could ever imagine! He was watching over us, and it was Him who made you wake up now, that I would have a chance to talk to you one last time. You may die, but I am joyful, for you are now able to go to see the one and only Christ! Therefore, I can weep no longer! I have been granted a moment with you, before you leave me and that is all I could ask for. Let go of your doubts, for today you will be with your Saviour in paradise.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. “You were the best person I ever knew, you know all my secrets, and I know that you will guard them vigilantly. Please, say good-bye to my mother and father for me. I owe them so much. They started in me the spark that was my faith, and through you the Lord has allowed it to grow. I did not realize until now how important it was to me, and I pray that it is not too late.”
“It is never too late to love the Lord.” I answered.
“Thank you so much.”
And she had left me. Her green eyes open, her blonde hair falling gracefully in front of her face, a smile dancing in her eyes.
